Brittany Couturier (Courtesy of Couturier)

Two years ago, after years of hard work, I began a PhD program in psychology. I was 22 years old, self-confident, and up until the point when I started graduate school, a “perfect” student. When I left, I was 23 years old, lost, and defeated. In that year, I made the most difficult decision of my life by looking deep within myself and deciding not to complete my PhD.

I had gone to graduate school to make a difference. But not just to make a difference (because differences can be made in other ways), but to feel good about myself, to be accomplished and add a few letters after my name. Shortly into my program, I realized I was becoming like the professionals around me – miserable and egotistical – and I panicked. I had made my decisions for all of the wrong reasons, and I was miserable in my classes and conducting the research that my degree was going to be dependent on, the research that had been my ticket through the door.

Not getting my PhD was once my worst fear. It caused me to wake up sweating at night. Caused me to ignore my other options for years. It was still my worst fear when I entered my program, and my doubts regarding my choices became the enemy. I had dragged my husband and our lives to another state, one that was a culture shock for the both of us, and resolved to be a student in my program for at least five years of my life. And yet, my anxiety was leading to an inability to complete my school days or sleep at night, and my sudden depression pushed me into my personal bottom.

Graduate school is something that is increasingly needed and increasingly attended, and yet, little is known about the hidden, sometimes taboo, experiences us academics face. Students go to graduate school clueless and overconfident and as many as 50% will never finish. We are misinformed about our programs and misinformed about ourselves.

Graduate school is not a full-time job or a big move; it is your life. It will come before your spouse, your parents, your happiness, your health, and just about anything else you can think of – especially if it is a PhD or doctorate program. The end is often not in your line of sight, even five, six, or seven years in.

In Confessions of a Grad School Dropout, my new E-book, I attempt to explain, inform, warn, comfort, and encourage other students in making their own decisions to attend school. The experiences of students and the research of professionals have guided the production of this book. Most people can understand why one might want to go to graduate school, but only a few can understand why students choose to leave. This book is meant to allow understanding in all people of the breakdown that often leads up to and follows the decision to leave.

My hope for my book is that the information in it will help to diminish high attrition rates and give students the information needed to be confident and informed as they depart on their graduate school journeys. Not only for students, Confessions of a Grad School Dropout is self-help for anyone who wants to feel passion for what they do, every day. For anyone who has gone too far down the wrong path. For anyone who has hit their own Bottom. More than anything, this book is to help, to guide – the same goal as I have now as a future social worker today.

Brittany Stahnke Couturier is a Master of Social Work student at Florida Atlantic University, with a focus in child welfare, a member of the 2015 class. She recently published her first e-book, Confessions of a Grad School Dropout. She has a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology; a Bachelor of Arts in Criminal Justice; a Bachelor of Arts in English; a minor in Sociology; and a Certificate in Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies, all earned from Florida Atlantic University Magna Cum Laude. Her social work placements include working in adoptions and hospice care. She has published prose in Eternal Heartland and Surrender to the Moon. She runs Hub of the Grad School Dropouts, a blog dedicated to providing support to fellow students. She lives in Palm Beach County, Florida, with her husband and cat, Yoda. She can be reached at bcouturier89@gmail.com.
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