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Forget love and romance - modern marriage is all about self-discovery and personal journeys.

A leading science conference has heard that we increasingly expect our spouses to be best friends, counsellors and career coaches.

But despite the long list of demands, we are spending less time with them than before.

The Eat Pray Love effect: Scientists say obsession with 'personal journeys' mean we spend less time with our partners - and expect them to be our best friends and life coaches

As a result, our complex psychological needs aren’t satisfied and most marriages of today are worse than those of the past.

The warning came from Eli Finkel, a professor of psychology who reviewed existing research on the psychology, history and sociology of relationships.

This revealed that we have gradually shifted from seeing a spouse as someone who provides food, shelter and security to someone who counsels us and helps makes us a better person. 

The review concluded that in the late 1700s, marriage was an institution that helped people meet basic needs such as being fed, safe and warm. 

Around 1850, people started to marry for love and by the 1960s, they shifted their focus to thinking about how their other half could complete them psychologically.

Professor Finkel, of Northwestern University in Illinois, said: ‘Now we are increasingly looking to our spouse for things like helping me discover who I am and to achieve the best version of myself. 

‘This really would have got you laughed out of town in 1800.’

Taken alone, such expectations aren’t necessarily problematic, but combine them with the fast pace of the modern world and the results are ‘disastrous’, said the professor.

With studies showing that today’s couples spend more time at work and with their children than those of 20 or 30 years ago and have fewer hours for each other, they simply don’t have the time to create the deep bonds needed for their expectations to be met.

As a result, the average American is less happy in their marriage.

Researchers say couples are spending less time together because of the focus on finding themselves and personal journeys

Although Professor Finkel focused on the US, he expects similar trends to apply in the UK.

The professor told the American Association for the Advancement of Science’s annual conference in Chicago: ‘In 1800 you didn’t have to have profound insight into your partner’s core essence to tend the chickens properly.

‘In contrast, in 2014, you are really hoping that your partner can help you on your voyage of self-discovery and personal growth.

‘Your partner can’t do that unless he or she really knows who you are, and really understands your core essence.

'That requires much greater investment of time and psychological resources in the quality of the relationship per se.’

Professor Finkel added that while we still value love, it is no longer the be all and end all.

He said: ‘It is not that people have stopped caring about love in their marriage but increasingly people think things like “Yes, I still love him but I’ m just not growing as a person’ I am stagnating and therefore I am going to leave the marriage”.’

However, it isn’t all doom and gloom on Valentine’s Day.

The professor believes that a small number of marriages do manage to meet the new high ideals – and these are better and happier than even the best marriages of previous eras.

For the others – the majority – options include investing more time in the marriage, adjusting expectations and asking friends do help share the burden.

The professor believes that a small number of marriages do manage to meet the new high ideals ¿ and these are better and happier than even the best marriages of previous eras.

British experts said there is a similar picture here.

Dr Pam Spurr, a relationship expert and author of Sex Academy, said: ‘Professor Finkel’s research confirms what I’ve been seeing emerge over the last decade or so – unrealistic expectations for marriage and other serious relationships.

‘Where couples once accepted that over time relationships take care, love - and work - to keep on track, increasingly I see people who expect to have all their needs - emotional and sexual - met in their relationship for little effort.

‘Many seem to lack basic relationship skills and fail to understand the give-and-take nature of a successful long-term marriage. 

‘I hear from partners who have a list as long as their arm of the demands they have for their relationship. 

‘Although Professor Finkel focused on the US, he expects similar trends to apply in the UK.

But sadly when pushed for honesty about what they actually put into their relationship themselves, often they seem to be giving fairly little back.’

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