Unleash the hounds of snark -- "Survivor" is back. And it starts with Jeff Probst in a boat he apparently is piloting himself. Animals, majestic landscapes, glum contestants on a boat. Let's meet some of the cast, shall we?

Jeff Kent is a baseball star who hopes he doesn't get recognized. Lisa Welchel isn't her character on "Facts of Life" and just wants to be Lisa. And a weirdo, Zane, has a Frankenstein tattoo and says he can give you flower and then strangle you.

All righty then, we're off.

Probst addresses the three tribes and deftly leads them into the announcement that three players are coming back -- Michael Skupin, Jonathan Penner and Russell Swan. And he tells them the hidden immunity idols are back again this year. Probst then gives them 60 seconds to gather supplies and get to their rafts.

Rafts go into the water. Contestants go into the water. Sharks in the water. Nobody is eaten, although Jeff twist his knee and worries he will be tagged as the weak guy who gets chopped first.

Settling in

Paddle, paddle, paddle. The tribes head off to their camps.

Russell tells his tribe he doesn't want any leaders. They are all a team. No leaders, no chiefs, no one in control. And then he pretty much starts telling everyone what to do and how to do it. It's pretty clear his team doesn't really care for him, but they are doing a good job of faking it. Matsing tribe gets fire in record

time for "Survivor."

Over at the Kalabaw camp, Jeff still is worrying about his knee injury and Jonathan is just happy to be back in the game. And while he's having his moment, his tribe is talking about voting him off as soon as possible.

The Tandang tribe arrives at its beach camp and sexy RC and Abi start hatching plans. RC, the investment banker who plans to tell everyone she's an executive assistance, makes a quick alliance with Abi, Michael and Pete -- Michael, because he has experience; Pete, because he looks dumb. RC and Abi are flirting like crazy and we fear this is going to get old fast. Artis and Lisa, the two oldest women on the tribe, are left out in the cold.

Back at Kalabaw camp, Dana and her amazing spiky hair, decides she likes Jeff, who isn't telling anyone about his pro baseball career. But uh oh, Sarah used to have a boyfriend who was big into baseball and she knows who Jeff is and plans to let him know she knows, when it's good for her, you know?

And speaking of famous people, Lisa isn't telling her Tandang tribe about her celebrity and only Michael recognized her. He thinks she should tell her tribe because they would be impressed. He doesn't want her to go, but he fears that she will be the first on the chopping block.

Over at the Matsing tribe, sex therapist Denise is fascinated by Zane and his tats. They quickly bond and make an alliance. Zane then makes an alliance with the other women and with the men. He is convinced that on the first day he's in complete control. But maybe not. Malcolm and Denise have clicked and they've form a secret alliance.

We think they should change the name of this show to "Let's Make an Alliance."

Day two

Michael seems to be channeling his previous "Survivor" self by injuring himself every five minutes. He cuts his hand, his finger, the top of his head and the bottom of his foot in separate incidents. His tribe is worried about him if they ever get fire (he fell into a fire last time he was on and was seriously injured).

Over on Kalabaw, Jonathan is looking for the hidden idol. He finds the clue in the rice bag but fails to understand that the idol is hidden in plain sight -- it's decoration on a box.

At Matsing, Russell also finds his tribe's clue when making rice. Zane spots him with the clue, but Russell spins a story about how anyone who looks for the idol is dead to him. Zane tells the camera that's fine, just another reason to vote out Russell.

First immunity challenge

Tribes divide into pairs. The first pair is tied together and must race through the jungle and up a cargo net to retrieve oars. The second pair then paddles out in a boat and dives to retrieve a chest of wooden puzzle pieces, and the third pair must solve the puzzle. Winning tribe gets immunity and fire making supplies. Second place wins immunity and flint. Third place goes to tribal.

Probst gives them a moment to strategize and Russell starts barking orders and pairing up his people despite their objections. And then the teams race off.

Tandang is the first to get back with the puzzle chest, followed by Kalabaw and Matsing. And the winner, by mere seconds, is Kalabaw. Tandang sneaks into second. Matsing is looking pretty glum. Everyone blames Russell, who despite claiming he wouldn't be a leader, lead them right into defeat.

Back at camp, Russell gives his tribe in a pep talk that is interrupted by Zane, who confesses that he sucked at the challenge and that it is obvious he deserves to be voted out. Bus, meet Zane.

Oh, but wait, it was a ruse. He thinks everyone loves him so much they would rather keep him as a hindrance than to keep Russell.

What idiot is going to fall for that? Oh, well, pretty much everyone but Russell. Angie, angry at how Russell made the wrong decisions, says she wants to keep Zane and she tells him he's not going home. Malcolm says he'll keep Zane if he wants to stay. It's looking bad for Russell but then Zane makes another odd decision and tells everyone that Russell has the hidden immunity idol. Now everyone is afraid to vote for Russell. Malcolm and Denise talk about how weak physically Zane is, so maybe they should keep Russell. So, who will go?

Tribal council

After some probing by Probst, Zane describes Russell as an onion with many layers, and says how Russell is so important and strong and smart he's much better for the tribe than Zane. Russell says he stepped into dictator mode and regrets doing so. He also says he isn't feeling safe but he wants badly to be here, which signals to his tribemates, even though Russell doesn't know he's doing it, that he'll play the idol, which he doesn't have.

And the vote is: Zane, 5 to 1.

Know what would have been useful, Zane? If you actually studied psychology before you tried to use it.

Next week

Jonathan is desperate to find the hidden idol and Lisa is sad that she's on the outside.

Read Joan Morris' "Survivor" recaps every week.