Nick Clegg, enigma of science

What goes on inside Nick Clegg’s head? Seriously, if I ever become a dean of a prestigious international school of neurology, or gain my doctorate in psychology – admittedly not the most likely of scenarios – the first thing I’m going to do is make an audacious bid to secure the Lib Dem leader's brain. Obviously I’d reassure him I wouldn’t be taking possession of it until he was no longer using it. But it would be a truly incredible specimen.

I’d have it sitting in a jar, in a special case on some sort of raised dais. Nobel scientists, sage professors, the most brilliant students: they would all just come and stare at it, marvelling, trying to unlock its complexities and mysteries.

But they would fail. They would fail as surely as night follows day. Because no one, not even I suspect Nick Clegg himself, will ever truly come to understand the cognitive processes at work behind that slightly elongated forehead during the years 2010-2015.

A coupe of days back Labour tabled a parliamentary about Jeremy Hunt. Remember him? No, well, he’s the guy who sent lots of emails to Rupert Murdoch. Or his adviser did. And they weren’t to Rupert Murdoch, but his lobbyist. Or his son’s lobbyist. Anyway, he shouldn’t have done. Or at least most people think he shouldn’t have done. The exception being David Cameron, who decided it was politic to simply brush the emails under the Downing Street carpet and move on.

And by and large, people have. Labour’s motion was a bit of a last-minute throw of the dice, a way of causing some final embarrassment before turning to something more interesting, like the total economic implosion of the European union, or the football.

But that was before all those neurons and synapses and protoplasmic fibres inside the Clegg cranium started springing into life. The Lib Dems had two choices. They could support their Coalition partners in the motion, suck up a bit of yah-boo from the Labour benches, deposit some cash in the bank courtesy of the Prime Minister, and go about their business. Or, they could have made a really audacious play, stood on principle, voted for the motion, outflanked Labour, basked in the plaudits, and taken the backlash from their outraged Coalition partners on the chin.

But no. They have effectively decided to abstain. The one course of action that guarantees the following: Ed Miliband will be handed a tactical triumph on a plate; the motion will lead the news bulletins; the Lib Dems will be hammered by Labour for not having the courage of their convictions; they will be hammered by their Coalition partners for betrayal; they will be hammered by their own supporters for not pushing all the way; the fractures in the government will widen; David Cameron will be forced to find a way of slapping them down to appease his enraged backbenchers; and instead of everyone going about their business, the issue will fester into the weekend and beyond.

Seriously. What are the processes governing Nick Clegg’s strategic thinking? According to Ben Brogan’s blog, one factor is his appearance this morning in front of Lord Leveson. Ah, that explains it. I was wondering why the roads were so deserted.

What is it about these proceedings down at the Royal Courts of Justice that makes everyone lose their sense of perspective? Clegg could walk into the room naked, punch Robert Jay and ask the Woman on the Left for the next dance, and not a single voter would take the slightest bit of notice. Leveson has become so detached from ordinary people’s concerns that the hearings may as well be happening on Mars.

Then there is the usual guff about the Lib Dems trying to insulate themselves from the worst Tory excesses. But does Nick Clegg really think this is the issue to do that? “Yeah, those Lib Dems did break their pledge on tuition fees, backed the most savage spending cuts for a generation, and supported axing the 50p rate. But they abstained on the Jeremy Hunt motion, so they can’t be all bad.”

In fact, why is Clegg playing political games with the BSkyB bid at all, given Vince Cable’s own form in this area? OK, Cable may be viewed by some as a bit of a hero for trying to stand in the way of the News International juggernaut. But Clegg is well aware of the internal politics at play here, and having insisted David Cameron resist calls for his Business Secretary to be jettisoned from the Cabinet following his constituency office braggadocio, he must know how the perception of him tossing Jeremy Hunt to the wolves will go down on the Tory backbenches.

There is no upside. He has antagonised his Coalition partners, who see his actions as disloyal. He has antagonised his own supporters, who view those same actions as too timid. And he’s delighted Labour, who have been handed a free win.

Nick Clegg is a curious political specimen. But after today, I’m not sure he’s the most secure one. I’m off to get the formaldehyde.