Why choosing Mr Wrong beats being all alone: We’re so scared of being seen as …

  • Psychologists carried out studies on students to test the theory
  • Almost 20 percent harboured genuine fears of being single

By
Pat Hagan

01:47 GMT, 9 November 2013


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01:47 GMT, 9 November 2013

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Desperate? New research shows young people will stand anything to avoid being single

Desperate? New research shows young people will stand anything to avoid being single

It is unlikely to ever be the title of a Mills and Boon bestseller.

But ‘settling for less’ is precisely what many of us end up doing when it comes to love, simply because it beats being single, according to new research.

Psychologists carried out a series of studies to see whether a fear of ending up on the shelf drives people to compromise when choosing partners.

They found the stigma of being single is so powerful that many adults opt instead for a sub-standard relationship, or stick with one that is breaking down rather than be on their own.

The research results, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, throw new light on the desire to be seen socially as part of a couple rather than a ‘loner’.

And researchers from the department of psychology at the University of Toronto say this profound fear of being single may also explain why many people stick with ‘toxic’ relationships that are going nowhere.

‘The results of this study suggest that being single is a concern for a relatively large number of people,’ they said in a report on the findings.

‘Close to 20 per cent of participants openly expressed fears about being single.

‘It suggests that those with the strongest fears of being single tend to lower their standards both in existing relationships and when selecting new partners.

‘Fear of being single is even strongly associated with mental health difficulties such as depression and loneliness.’

The team came up with the results after conducting seven different studies, all designed to test if volunteers were so concerned about ending up single that they would rather settle for a partner who was less than ideal.

In one, 153 men and women who were either single, dating or married, were asked to rate how worried they were about not having a partner. One in five said being single was a major concern and the biggest reason was the fear of not having the companionship of an intimate partner.

Others said they worried that they would grow old alone, or that people would judge them negatively if they were single for too long.

Fear: 20 per cent of people interviewed harboured a genuine fear of being alone, the study showed

Fear: 20 per cent of people interviewed harboured a genuine fear of being alone, the study showed

In another study, 172 adults involved in romantic partnerships were asked to rate their levels of satisfaction. They then had to agree or disagree with statements such as ‘If I couldn’t be in this relationship I would lose an important part of myself’ or ‘I feel that I need my partner a great deal’.

The results showed those who were less satisfied were more likely to admit they stuck with their partner because they could not bear the thought of being on their own.

The researchers said: ‘Those who fear being single may prioritise relationship status above relationship quality, settling for less responsive and less attractive partners and remaining in relationships that are less satisfying.

‘Distress about not having a romantic relationship may promote an approach that any relationship is better than none at all.’

Psychologist Dr Cecilia D’Felice, an expert in how relationships work, said settling for less does not mean we don’t still fall in love.

‘It’s true that most people are very frightened of being alone,’ she said. ‘As a species we are very sociable and there is still a stigma attached to being single. People often say when they become single that couples stop inviting them round for dinner.

‘As a result, most of us are happy to compromise because we know it’s unrealistic (to wait for the perfect partner) and we know we are not perfect either.

‘In fact, learning to compromise can be a good thing because it forces you to acquire the skills needed to make a relationship work.

‘That’s why arranged marriages are often very successful.’


Comments (20)

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The comments below have not been moderated.

Moe,

London,

moments ago

I love being single as I come and go where and when ever I want. I don't worry about getting home late if I'm stuck in traffic. It is the men who go and find someone else after they split from a partner as they hate being lonely.

Jean,

Staplehurst,

5 minutes ago

Better a nice cat than a bad man.

justanopinion,

Harrogate,

7 minutes ago

I'm very lucky in a great relationship with a beautiful woman who adores me and looks after me constantly, I'd hate to be single.
However I think I am in the majority when I say a woman needs a man more than the other way around.

eyes in the sky,

somewhere in la la land,

8 minutes ago

Couples are jealous of successful single people.

Alexandra Rue,

Chicago, United States,

9 minutes ago

My daughter's first husband was a young man named Wright. Not long after they got married she told me she never would have married him if she'd known his first name was Never. It wasn't a matter of opinion that he was never right. He was a train wreck, and no one needs that. Her second husband husband is perfect. Twelve years and counting.

Slimfast Shady,

London, United Kingdom,

19 minutes ago

I have some friends in relationships like this - they're head-wrecked and miserable! My friends who ended bad relationships are much happier and healthier! There is no contest!

kitty68,

St.Albans.herts,

20 minutes ago

No were not. I love being single .
No kids no stress. Its great

SonTheBugster,

Voting UKIP - Because I love my Country,

23 minutes ago

What's wrong with being single? It's better to be on your own than trying to make things "work" with someone you're not happy with. It's soul destroying and life is too short to "save face." Also, worrying what others think is just plain stupid. It's YOUR life and YOUR time on this world. Use it as YOU wish!

Westmaster,

Kirklees,

24 minutes ago

Mr Wrong what about Mrs Wrong.

Tim,

Wirral,

38 minutes ago

Is a toxic relationship one that involves rear entry love?

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