Yes. I am using a celebrity in this post. I LIKE talking about celebrities! What woman doesn’t?
(That is meant to be a joke. I know it is a 
sweeping generalization and a demeaning stereotype).
Here’s the deal. There have been more than a few women (and men) over the years who have experienced crushing betrayals. As a couples therapist, I have seen this a lot. Sadly, poor Tori Spelling has to go through this in front of the entire world.
For those of you who are not in the know, Tori is a major reality star who is also the daughter of Aaron Spelling. She has made a career out of her real-life story of finding love and marrying the actor Dean McDermott. They have had four kids while on TV and their shows have followed their lives. Dean recently came forth acknowledging he has been having multiple affairs for years.
How do you recuperate after you’ve been betrayed by an affair?
When this happens, what’s a person to do? Here are some tips for coping:
- Get a therapist, ASAP!
- If you can’t afford a therapist, lean on girlfriends. However, know that because they are personally involved with you, their opinions might be a little tainted by their own “stuff.” Encourage friends to listen not lecture.
- Try to stay in the moment and not get overwhelmed by the future. Thinking about how to manage as a single mom with four kids on a daily basis for the next 18 years would be overwhelming. “One day at a time” should be the mantra.
- Know that your response to such a trauma will be tied to your own attachment history. For example, Tori’s mother Candy Spelling could have had a personality disorder and may not have been a nurturing person. Additionally, Tori’s father may have been a workaholic with almost no active interest in Tori’s life. Therefore, Tori may have feelings of abandonment, loneliness, and feeling like she did not have a family growing up. All of these issues could get stirred up and affect her decisions about what to do in this situation. On a deep psychological level, a situation like this is extremely complicated for anyone.
- Try not to focus anger on the other woman, women, (or men) that get involved with the person who cheated. They are not the problem.
- Allow time to grieve and heal. It is totally OK to drive to the Quikmart, buy some Haagen Dazs and go on a crying jag whilst wearing your jammies’. This can continue for several days. I’ve also known women who, instead, took all that energy and channeled it into creating amazing things. That’s an option too.
- Try couple’s counseling, IF that is what you want. No one can decide what is the right path for anybody else. Tori Spelling has to deal with the judgment of a whole country of armchair experts saying, “Well, if it was me, I would dump that dog!”
- Know that great learning will come. If you don’t know what it is, you aren’t there yet. For some, turning to your Higher Power for support and guidance can be fruitful and generous in healing. For others, just sitting in quietness and stillness or being with your dog or nature can provide important sustenance for the soul.
Any difficulty will create great knowledge in life. Having to go through pain isn’t ever welcome, though. I wish I could create a world where no one had to go through difficult things. I have been providing counseling and therapy for 20 plus years, and I know that great things often come out of great difficulty. That’s my hope for everyone. 
Take care,
Cherilynn
Cherilynn Veland is a therapist living in Chicago.
She also blogs about home, work, life and love
at www.stopgivingitaway.com.
Could you take the time to kindly follow me/Cherilynn on Twitter? Connect on Facebook too? I would really appreciate the support!
And don’t forget Google Plus.
Pic by Wikipedia.
Comments
This post currently has
0 comments.
You can read the comments or leave your own thoughts.
Last reviewed: 1 May 2014