Robert Sternberg was president of the American Psychological Association, president of the University of Wyoming and remains one of America's best known researchers.

When Sternberg was a psychology professor at Yale University, our son Dustin studied with him and discovered he is as down to earth in the classroom as he is in his writing. Sternberg's research on love led to his books "The New Psychology of Love," "Love is a Story," and "The Triangle of Love."

Stages of Divorce

While studying love, Sternberg discovered a frequent pattern of steps that led to divorce. Although all divorces do not follow these exact steps, many do.

Unfortunately, couples too frequently wait too long to ask for help. Counseling works best when difficult problems first surface.

The initial step toward divorce begins with a secret.

One spouse thinks, "This marriage is not what I hoped it would be." The concerned partner tries to share this concern with the spouse, but is unsuccessful.

Soon these negative feelings go underground and a private world of thought begins. After time passes, dissatisfied spouses share their concerns with a third party. Unfortunately, the third party usually throws gas on the flames. As a result, even more secrecy separates the spouses.

At this point or before, therapy can be extremely helpful.

As dissatisfied partners fall more out of love, their spouses become fallen angels.

When love was new, no wrong could be found in partners. But now, no right can be found. Everything their partners do irritates dissatisfied spouses. Soon, the history of these relationships is rewritten to support the dissatisfied spouses' new goals.

As time passes, the more satisfied partner may continue to underestimate the marital dissatisfaction of the unhappy spouse.

Instead, the unhappy partner's complaints are blamed on other factors, such as a midlife crisis or stress at work. At this point, many dissatisfied partners find a transitional person to help them move toward divorce.

Some may have an affair, but Sternberg found many spouses contact a therapist who eventually urges them to act on their feelings. This encouragement usually supports their feelings that divorce is the best option.

At this point, dissatisfied partners may display a symbol of their intent to leave, such as removing a wedding ring or sleeping in another room.

The initiator of the divorce may try to irritate the partner with the hope the partner will react unwisely. For example, an emotional partner being left might write a threatening note on Facebook that will be read by family and friends. This impulsive "Fatal Error" actually can turn family and friends against the person being left.

Sternberg found most agreed-upon temporary separations become practice for the final divorce. After the divorce both parties rewrite the relationship's history to support their personal views.

A few couples reconcile, but for most seeking help comes too late. If you find yourself moving into one of these steps, ask for marital help now.

Early intervention works best.