After scrolling through your Facebook news feed, it may seem as if everyone but you is leading a happy, exciting life. Your friends' lives are filled with nonstop weekend barbecues, laughs over happy hour and cute kids who say the darnedest things. Compared with yours, their lives are blissful. Think again. A recent Stanford psychology study concludes that people chronically overestimate how happy their peers are, and this misperception leads to feelings of loneliness. Stanford psychology Professor Benoit Monin explains why he thinks these misconceptions happen, and what we can do to improve our own levels of happiness.
Q:Why do people overestimate other's positive emotions and underestimate the negative ones?
A: Our research shows that three reasons contribute to this illusion:
-- People actually feel better in social situations, so we see other people at their happiest, and conclude that they are generally happier than we are, never realizing that they feel down just like we do when they are alone.
-- American culture values being positive and happy, and rewards being in a good mood - so the people who seem so happy in public may also be hiding how bad they feel and pretending to be happier than they really are, perpetuating the illusion.
-- For the same reason, after the fact, people talk about their highs (e.g., fun party last night) more than they talk about their lows (e.g., boring night watching TV).
Q:Do you think Facebook and other social-networking sites contribute to loneliness?
A: By giving people total control over how they want to present their life to others, social networks exacerbate the illusion that we are less happy than others. People can choose to upload only pictures of themselves with big happy smiles, while just posting about exciting activities and happy events. Note that Facebook makes it easier to express your "likes" than your dislikes, further maintaining this hunky-dory illusion.
Q:What can people do to combat this phenomenon?
A: Remember that others engage in the same kind of self-censoring as you do when displaying their emotions online, so you should not take their smiles at face value, or as representative of the rest of their emotional life.
-- Pay more attention to silent majorities. A handful of frequently posting online friends can overshadow the fact that hundreds had nothing fun to report and thus remain silent. You should take into account the whole distribution of affect when evaluating your own life, not just the highly visible few who maintain the illusion by being more vocal.
-- Filter out toxic others. By being attentive to your feelings, you may come to realize that you often feel down after reading posts from specific online friends who tend to play up how fun their life is. You may want to block their posts and only check their wall when you are having a particularly good day.
-- Seek private, one-on-one conversations, be they face to face, or over Skype, IM or e-mail. In these less monitored interactions, it is easier to be candid about the things that bring us down, especially with close friends, spouses, or family members.
To read the study: psp.sagepub.com/content/37/1/120.