According to a recent survey from Ohio State’s Department of Psychology, it was discovered “Who do you know here?” was the No. 1 question asked at last night’s party.
The groundbreaking study, led by Dr. Chevy Cheveski, a professor in the psychology department, found that the main question on everybody’s mind was that everybody just wanted to know who everybody else knows.
“After years of arduous research and polling, we have finally concluded for certain that if you go to a party, you are most likely going to be asked how you found out about said party,” Cheveski said. “Our findings also suggest that whether or not you actually do know someone there, this does not guarantee admission.”
Bucky Carmichael, a frail first-year studying mathematics, shared his experience at last night’s banger.
“It was totally awesome. They had kegs and Jell-O shots, and I even saw a guy smoking a cigarette. Craziest party I’ve ever been to,” Carmichael said, adding it was also the first party he’s ever been to. “I didn’t stay too long, though, because I didn’t know anybody and some older kid asked me if I did. I freaked out and said Robert Carmichael. Robert Carmichael is my dad’s name.”
While Carmichael might not have had a great experience, a group of girls from the top floor of Park-Stradley Hall said they had no trouble when prompted with last night’s most popular question.
“My brother Dillon, well his old roommate Evan used to work with a kid named Matt, and Matt’s cousins Jimmy and Joey were throwing the party,” said Taylor-Rae Vincent, a first-year in marketing. “So of course I was able to get my girls in.”
Cheveski agrees that Vincent’s experience supports previous claims that the two best ways to both gain and retain access to last night’s rager were either to “be a girl” and most definitely “not be a guy.”
“This study not only allowed us to know the most frequently asked question from the basher, but we also found ‘What’s your major?’ and ‘Where is the beer at?’ were the No. 2 and No. 3 most asked questions of the night,” Cheveski said.
Although last night’s party was well over capacity and spilling out into the lawn, some people still just could not gain entrance.
“I had an absolutely horrible time. They wouldn’t even let me in,” said former OSU President E. Gordon Gee. “It’s like they didn’t even recognize me. Sheesh, I haven’t even been gone that long.”
Gee went on to say although he is no longer president of the university, he still likes to “get down every once and a while” and reportedly “can’t wait until next weekend.”
This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously.