It has never been easy for parents to fully accept that, in our society, we sacrifice and toil for years raising our children — and if we do a good job teaching them independence and self-sufficiency, they essentially abandon us.
In the olden days, when children became adults, they would at least work on the family farm or business in order to help the parents out a little.
Back in those days, children were often groomed to remain in the family and become a source of labor. In fact, if labor were in short supply, there would sometimes be a greater effort to have more children. We have come a long way from that as today's children are raised with the healthy goal of separating from the family in young adulthood in order to develop their own interests and pursuits.
Why did we ever give up such a good deal?
Often, part of our children growing up and us letting go involves seeing them off to college. For families of college students, particularly first-year students, this can be a challenging time of year as many of them have recently left home to begin their studies. Even though this is a wonderful and positive event, it is also a tremendous adjustment for the parents and sometimes the siblings left at home.
When children leave their home for college, there are adjustments to be made all the way around. The young adult who is leaving starts to negotiate "a whole new world" with far less parental supervision and support. Among many other things, that means learning how to make new friends, prioritize demands, and balance work and fun.
For the family left back at home, it means learning to fill the emotional void that was created by their departure.
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That is why pretty much every college has a parents/family weekend around this time every year to encourage a brief reunion between the homesick student and their longing families. Since colleges also usually have psychology departments, there has actually been research done on when the optimal time is to hold parents weekend in order to get maximum impact.
It was determined that for first-year students, four to six weeks after starting school is the ideal time to see their family again because that is when homesickness is most likely to be taking root.
But parents weekend is not just for the student. It may actually have a greater benefit for the forlorn parents.
Scott Smith Now that school has started again, a lot of youngsters are going through a significant period of adjustment. After weeks of build up about how great starting school would be, including going "back to school" shopping and getting supplies and new clothes, many children are now facing the harsh reality... Now that school has started again, a lot of youngsters are going through a significant period of adjustment. After weeks of build up about how great starting school would be, including going "back to school" shopping and getting supplies and new clothes, many children are now facing the harsh reality... ( Scott Smith ) -->
In a reversal of fortune, it may actually be easier for children to adjust leaving home than it is for the parents who are left behind. After all, the child is moving on to a new life with all types of interesting and stimulating opportunities at hand and exciting challenges ahead. They are often so busy with their classes, social life and activities that they don't have a lot of time to sit around and be sad or to think about their parents.
Their parents, on the other hand, have probably lost some of the interesting and stimulating activities they used to be involved with through their child. At the same time, parents are also still involved in their day-to-day routine without a lot of change.
So for them, gone are the exciting athletic contests, the holiday concerts or just the conversation around the dinner table. Parents have more time to listen to the silence coming from their children's once noisy and active rooms.
Some parents make the mistake of denying the "empty-nest" aspect of their child going away to school and don't fully acknowledge the power and meaning of that event. This may lead them to be unprepared or slow to respond effectively to the emotional changes involved.
This can result in an unexpected loss of emotional vibrancy or in more extreme cases, even depression.
Even though it may seem difficult in the beginning, parents who are suffering the absence of their child need to get busy as soon as possible. Adjusting to these changes will happen, but they will happen sooner if encouraged by an active and involved lifestyle.
Now is the time to develop new interests or pay attention to old interests that have been neglected. A new life rhythm might involve a new workout schedule, joining a club and signing up for a continuing education class in an area of interest you have never been able to explore.
Scott E. Smith Even with the gentle August sunsets we have been having and the soft feeling of summer passing by, there are people suffering from significant stress. Even with the gentle August sunsets we have been having and the soft feeling of summer passing by, there are people suffering from significant stress. ( Scott E. Smith ) -->
It is also important to acknowledge your feelings regarding your child leaving without dwelling on the "loss" aspect of what is happening. It helps to try and focus on the positive changes that are occurring. Imagine how your young adult child leaving home opens up all types of new experiences for the whole family such as possibly getting married, buying their own first home, having children, starting a new career.
Also, with humor, imagine if they didn't leave home and stayed living with you in the basement throughout their adulthood. That image alone might help to propel you to a better frame of mind.
A child leaving home for college is a much larger adjustment than many people realize, but it is a positive step for everyone. With a child leaving home, there are many new opportunities for growth available for everyone, and the relationships will have a chance to continue in a different and enhanced way.
As the saying goes: Try not to only miss what has changed, but also rejoice in what was good while turning an eye to the future to create even better experiences. Remember, the way we look at things often determines what they are.
So, it is pretty clear that parents weekend is really not just for the child but is also for the parents to visit and see that their child is OK and making their way. Hopefully, that is a time to celebrate their growth and newfound independence.
After all, a parent's job is to help their child grow deep roots, so they will always know where they came from and who they are, but also to help them grow wings so they can fly to new experiences and adventures.
Dr. Scott E. Smith is a licensed psychologist with Spectrum Behavioral Health in Arnold, Annapolis and Crofton. To contact him, call 410-757-2077 or write to 1509 Suite F, Ritchie Highway, Arnold MD 21012.
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