As a child development specialist with the Ministry of Gender, Youth and Child Development, one would think that Femi Williams has the right recipe to raise her children. Having studied psychology, juvenile delinquency and parenting for the past 15 years, Williams, who counsels children and their families, has been fighting a losing battle to steer her 17-year-old son on the right path.
At a training workshop—Empowering Parents to Manage At-Risk Youth—hosted by the Emancipation Support Committee on May 5 at Normandie Hotel, St Ann’s, Williams was almost reduced to tears as she spoke about the difficulty she faced in raising her son, who she described as an at-risk teenager.
Williams spoke about her trials, while greeting parents and National Security Minister John Sandy. The workshop sought to help parents to develop the skills needed to identify and manage at-risk behaviour, as well as expose them to the key tools that can help improve their relationships with their children.
Pain in her heart
Williams stated that while many have argued that it takes a village to raise a child, “the bigger question is, who in that village will be the mother and father of that child?” Of all the jobs in the world, Williams said raising children is the trickiest, as children are often hard to understand and at times seem uncontrollable. “Sometimes no matter how hard we try, it seems as everything we do is wrong.”
No one, Williams said, can make parenting or child rearing easy. “But by learning more about children and their needs, by doing some self-reflection, and by talking to other parents, we can learn how to make us more effective.” Williams said while many would ask what she knows about parenthood, she has produced four wonderful children.
“I say wonderful with a pain in my heart because of all my four children, my eldest is 17, and he is a child at risk.” Williams said, her son “at this moment has decided that the streets and his friends are more important than a safe and loving home, and education and a promising future.” Oftentimes, Williams said, she wondered where she went wrong.
“What did I do? No matter how hard I try, how many nights I prayed, how much I gave him with his wants and needs, he found it was never enough.” Turning to her village for support, Williams said some remarked “tough luck, he is a boy,” while others encouraged her to continue to love her son.
“But you see my son gave up on himself. He would tell people that his mother is dead. And all the terrible things about his mother, just to fit in with his peers. As a mother how was I supposed to feel? After all, he is my firstborn and I want the best for him.”
Realising that they were both going through pain, Williams said, even though her son has his biological father and a stepfather, in his mind, he felt the love he wanted should have come from both his parents, despite the fact that they were not together.
Parenting—no overnight job
As parents, Williams said, we have to ensure that adequate support and guidance is provided. “Parenting is not an overnight job. There are no days off. From the moment that precious gift breathes life into the complicated world, we have now started a chapter of our lives that ends with death do us part.”
Learning more about children and their needs and by talking to other parents, Williams said, we can learn how to become more effective. “With my situation I have learned that all I can do is pray and continue to depend on the support of my village and my community. “Let us hold hands together.” The workshop, Williams said, will assist families to avoid the courts when children become uncontrollable.
Moore—No one is perfect
Child psychologist, Karen Moore, commended Williams for coming forth with her problem. “It shows that we all have difficulty and issues with our children.” The fact that Williams is a child development specialist, Moore said, does not mean that she is perfect and the rest of society is doomed to fail.
Moore said Williams’ son may be going through a very rebellious period in his life. “Teenagers do that. It is not something that you can necessarily change, no matter what the upbringing. A teenager is a work in progress.” Moore said peer groups become much more important than any other group for some teenagers. She said the reaction of Williams’ son will only be temporary. “She sounds as if she is concerned and involved. At some point she will reach her child.”
Technology having a significant effect on kids
Moore said technology was having a significant effect on TT’s children. While the use of cellphones, Internet and cable television have a positive side, there are also the negatives. “Everybody is learning what it does to our children and teenagers and what effect it has.”
Hopefully, Moore said, the next generation will have a better handle on technology. “Technology is having a huge impact on family life in many ways. It is something I think we were not prepared to deal with.” Moore said it was wise to limit children’s phone, cable and Internet privileges, since children need to keep up with family activities and life.