Marrying right

...Is nearly impossible. But opting for a 'marriage of psychology' could save you

Are we with the wrong person? It's the question most of us who've been in love, or married, ask. Swiss-British writer and philosopher Alain de Botton and American counselling psychologist Dr Christine Meinecke say it's highly possible.

In an article for The Philosopher's Mail that has gained quite the following on social media, Botton starts off with a disappointing observation. Anybody we marry, would, to a certain extent, be wrong for us. However, the level of incompatibility is so high in some couples that "they simply shouldn't be together".

PROBE YOUR NEUROSES

Meinecke, who is the author of Everybody Marries The Wrong Person, says, most relationships are based on infatuation, which is the result of overworking hormones. But, when the body's neurochemistry gradually regulates itself, the attraction fades. "We stop idealising our partners and start seeing their faults," she writes in an article in Psychology Today, titled How Did We End Here. This is when disenchantment sets in.

Part of the problem lies in how little we know ourselves or others, Botton believes. The premise that we are easy to get along with or that we don't have our individual neuroses should set off alarm bells. He says society, even friends, don't encourage us to understand ourselves; their primary agenda being to have a good time. "An urgent, primary task of any lover is therefore to get a handle on the specific ways in which they are mad... A good partnership is not so much one between two healthy people, it's one between two demented people who have had the skill or luck to find a nonthreatening conscious accommodation between their relative insanities," he adds.

YOUR LOVER IS CRAZY. ASK, HOW?

Another point where couples fall short, is expecting their lovers to be perfect, setting themselves, their partners and the relationship up for failure. "The conventional wisdom that romantic success depends on finding the one right person sets up everyone for failure. When infatuated, both people believe that they have found the right person, that they make the perfect couple. Then disenchantment sets in, and we question whether we found the right person, after all. So, we try to change our partners. Or we decide to look outside the relationship for that one right person who must still be out there," Meinecke says to Mirror.

Instead of chatting with your lover or potential partner about favourite movies, foods and hobbies, Botton suggests asking: how do they get angry, how can you raise children with them, how can you develop together and remain friends. The time has come, he adds, for the marriage of psychology. "One where 'the feeling' has been submitted to examination and brought under the aegis of a mature awareness of each other's psychology," he says.

FIXING IT

We may have ended up marrying the wrong person, but it is still, says Meinecke, possible to fix it by practising mature love and behaving self-responsibly. "Negative emotional reactions occur not due to others' actions but due to our unrealistic expectations and idiosyncrasies of our own psychology," she says. Soulsearching before and after getting into a relationship should involve asking "am I willing to keep my focus on managing my own expectations and negative emotional reactions rather than on trying to bring about change in my partner?"

Meinecke adds that couples who practice mature love work towards self-correction, "growing themselves up". They focus on behaving constructively, regardless of provocation, she writes. They recognise that partners are not responsible for each other's happiness and unhappiness.

YOU CAN'T FREEZE JOY

Botton argues that most couples believe marriage is a guarantor of happiness. Unfortunately, the early fleeting moment of happiness you experienced were dependent on various factors — a holiday when you felt relaxed, perhaps a few sangrias.

"Getting married", he writes "has no power to keep a relationship at this beautiful stage. It is not in command of the ingredients of our happiness at that point. In fact, marriage will decisively move the relationship on to another, very different moment: to a suburban house, a long commute, two children. The only ingredient in common is the partner. And that might have been the wrong ingredient to bottle."

HOW DO WE FIGHT?

Meinecke gives an example of how infatuated couples, disenchanted couples and couples practicing mature love fight.

INFATUATED COUPLE

Partner 1
I'd like to see that new movie... the one about astronauts trying to save the earth.

Partner 2
Sounds great.

Partner 1
You are the best.

DISENCHANTED COUPLE

Partner 1
I'd like to see that new movie...the one about astronauts trying to save the earth.

Partner 2
(Sarcastically) Oh, great. Another dystopian sci-fi downer. Can't wait.

Partner 1
Oh, come on. I went to that stupid rom-com with you.

COUPLE PRACTICING MATURE LOVE:

Partner 1
I'd like to see that new movie... the one about astronauts trying to save the earth.

Partner 2
Let me read some reviews and get back to you.

Partner 1
I'm sure my brother will go with me, if you decide against it. I know sci-fi doesn't usually thrill you.

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