Letting children manage their own mistakes leads to resiliency

By Chad Scaling

Guest Column

Across the nation there is much debate and research on the concept of endless adolescence. Equally as much discussion on college and work readiness of students graduating from high school exists and I can't help but wonder how much the two may be related. Success in life largely depends on one's ability to know the importance of learning from mistakes.

Learning from mistakes effectively requires a person to know how to adjust and plan future actions based on those mistakes. If individuals are not allowed to experience situations where they are required to be challenged, to learn, grow and adapt on their own, they never fully learn to think and problem solve for themselves. In the Psychology Today article, “A Nation of Wimps” author Hara Estroff Marano indicates that not allowing kids to find a way to deal with life's day-to-day stresses, thus developing resilience and coping strategies, extends the time it takes for a young person to “grow up”, and, among other things, we see higher rates of anxiety and depression in our youth as a result. In essence, not letting them learn through trial and error delays their development into adulthood.

An answer to this modern dilemma may be found in a study written by Marilyn Price-Mitchell, a Ph.D. and developmental psychologist who writes about the roots of positive growth. She indicates that youth make many kinds of mistakes. Forgetting homework or forgetting to study has consequences. Lying or cheating each have more complicated causes and are more complex to remedy, but all mistakes contain seeds of learning. She goes on to offer advice to parents, and I believe, to all educators:

  • Acknowledge that you don't expect them to be perfect.

  • Let them know your love is unconditional, regardless of their mistakes or lapses in judgment.

  • Don't rescue children from their mistakes. Instead, focus on the solution.

  • Provide examples of your own mistakes, the consequences, and how you learned from them.

  • Encourage them to take responsibility for their mistakes and not blame others.

  • Avoid pointing out their past mistakes. Instead, focus on the one at hand.

  • Praise them for their ability to admit their mistakes.

  • Praise them for their efforts and courage to overcome setbacks.

  • Mentor them on how to apologize when their mistakes have hurt others.

  • Help them look at the good side of getting things wrong.

    While some elements of this list may seem like common sense and some seem difficult to put into practice, our love and desire for the happiness for our children and students may cause us to forget what is best in the long run, and we may be doing them more harm than good. I would suggest youth should be allowed to be challenged and “stressed” by both academic and social situations and allowed to struggle and learn, on their own, from their mistakes. Educators and parents must structure the framework for this to happen, providing the appropriate level of guidance to support the learning, but not rob the experience. The learning that results from these situations and interactions will develop their ability to problem solve effectively and to confidently make positive decisions about their lives. Moreover, it will develop the autonomy that leads to being successful in life. Development of these skills will have a tremendous impact on their ability to flourish in their academic, social and professional environments, now and in the very near future.

    Chad Scaling is principal at South Lyon High School.

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