With an undergraduate degree in psychology and a minor in computer science, Terri Harmon began her career as a computer programmer and project manager.

In 1995, after 18 years in the corporate world, she experienced burnout, went back to school, and obtained master’s degrees in organizational development and transpersonal psychology. After moving to Nevada County in 2000, she has been helping others live compassionately by offering communication tools that bring awareness to “our tangled, conditioned, habitual thinking and speaking.”

After spending the past two years caring for sick and dying family members, Terri realized how important her project management and communication skills were in helping her cope with the demands of caregiving. Although she continues to offer mediation, counseling, and workshops on sacred listening and transformational communication, her current focus is on offering support to those who are caring for loved ones.

In this week’s Healthy Options, we share a short interview with Terri Harmon, MATP, MHROD, who provides mediation and conflict resolution services, offers individual and group client support, and teaches Living Compassion classes in Nevada County.

Q: What is unique about caring for loved ones?

A: Nothing really prepares you for the exhaustion and emotional toll caregiving takes on you. You go into it with good intentions, and in my case, with an arsenal of tools — everything from a mindfulness practice to years of practicing non-violent communication — but soon realize that the support you hoped for is lacking, or that you are expected to do things that formerly were beyond your scope. This is especially true if the person suffers from dementia or has a serious terminal illness, which was my case. You step up and pour yourself into the tasks at hand, but the stress can be unbelievable.

Q: How did your background in communication help you get through this difficult period?

A: Clear communication with nurses, doctors, and other healthcare professionals was really important. I was able to ask difficult questions and make sure I understood what needed to be done. More important, I was able to be completely present with the loved ones I cared for. We are all sacred beings, and the end of life can be the most sacred part of our journey. It’s a time when showing compassion and love are more important than anything.

Q: When caring for people who are at the end of life, can you give an example of how we can show compassion and love?

A: There are two things. The first is to allow yourself to be really open and vulnerable, to be completely non-judgmental and accepting. In caring for people who are sick and at the end of life, it’s so important to let go of any resentment or anger you might have felt or are still feeling. The other way to show compassion and love is through sacred listening, where you really make an effort to understand what someone is saying.

Q: What is the difference between sacred listening and just listening?

A: I came up with the term “sacred listening” many years ago after doing vision quest and holotropic breathwork. It involves very deep listening to uncover the other person’s experience and what it means to them, enabling you to truly understand what they need and want. Often it means slowing way down and getting comfortable with pauses and silence. At the end of life, people often have a need to process and makes sense of their existence. It’s not about making conversation. It’s about holding space for them to express whatever is on their mind and letting them know they have been heard. It’s really about meeting people where they are, regardless of how it makes you feel. This can be a huge challenge for caregivers, especially if there is unfinished business.

Q: What is the best way to handle challenging or difficult people — especially family members?

A: The first thing to do is pause, get centered, and make an effort not to react. You could say something that is true for you. For example, right now, in caring for Dad, I’m letting go of the past and focusing on his needs. You could say something you know is true for them. ‘I know your childhood was difficult, but for now, let’s try to focus on the present.’ Finally, you could ask a nondefensive question like, ‘What could I do to help you right now?’

For more information about Terry’s work, go to www.livingcompassion.com. For information about upcoming workshops or to schedule an appointment, call her at 530-913-6003.

Jan Fishler is a local author and writing coach. You can learn more about her at www.JanFishler.com.

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