PASO ROBLES Many mediators may not be trained in family therapy but the law.
They may not necessarily be as concerned about emotional well-being, decision-making processes and the tough predicament befallen couples whose marriages have gone afoul.
As a counselor and family therapist, Paso Robles-based Center for Counseling and Recovery's Mary Ellen Cole takes a different approach one that keeps clients' well-being at the forefront of professional advice when it comes to avoiding litigation through negotiation in the divorce process, finding an amicable way to settle the legal consequences of a divorce.
"Even though couples may be at odds in their relationship, they are still people and have needs and wants," said Cole, who recently re-located to the Central Coast from Pennsylvania, "I think I can understand."
Cole, who received her M.A. in counseling from Geneva School of Professional Psychology in 2000 with a marriage and family emphasis and graduated magnum cum laude, can attest that she brings her own personal experience to the table.
She's not a testament to the perfect marriage.
In fact, Cole married and divorced the same man twice.
Learning through the rigors of her marital experience, she understands quite simply that marriages don't always end up in flowery fields paved with gold.
Despite her experience in counseling and family therapy, she's no stranger to the law.
She realizes that when people want a divorce, a lot of the time they don't want even -Steven, they want what's best in the long-run.
The law may say, "The house is yours, kick the bum out you're doing the right thing."
But is it really the right thing?
Cole, who takes a uniquely Christian-based approach to her profession said it's important to not only consider the couple's needs but to keep the best interests of the children at the forefront of any decision-making process.
She can attest to being "happily unmarried," as she puts it, and the proof is in the pudding. Her two children, Joshua and Rachel, are both either happily married or in a relationship, emotionally healthy people who can stand on their own and be successful. Joshua holds a PhD in material science and will be working for NASA out of the Bay Area; Rachel is an architect.
They're where her heart is.
"I have very strong feelings about the possibility that you can go through divorce without destroying your children," Cole said. "That's a really big one for me."
Cole practices in the field of divorce and mediation because she feels she can help parents understand, from their children's point-of-view, what it's going to be like for them during the divorce process.
Her rule is that when you decide a divorce is necessary, it's no longer about you it's about your children.
"Every decision you must make, if you really care about your children at all, you must take that into consideration," she attests.
As a counselor, Cole knows all of the ins-and-outs that she made through her own divorces twice, and without her children being damaged.
In fact, she penned the second divorce with her own handwriting.
But it's not easy work, by any stretch of the imagination, according to Cole.
"It's very hard work," she professed.
She's a professional that understands the value of good listening skills. Entering her office for the first time, people oftentimes just want to vent.
She's there to listen, and it's often more complex than that.
Cole explains.
"They are not just looking to 'dump;' they really want somebody who knows about people and understands the psychological problems that some people are dealing with," she said. "Someone who can help them out."
Cole by no means, however, confesses to being a know-it-all or "big advice-giver."
"I believe I can tell them what to do, but in the end they have to make the right choices," she said. "I'm very much a facilitator I'm going to give you the facts. I'm going to give you some ideas, but you have to walk this out. You have to choose what makes you comfortable, and it's really your therapy."
When couples sit down together with a mediator and make decisions, they have the right to tell the judge exactly how they would like the divorce to look, as well as the right to determine what will happen to their common property without interference from the court system. A mediator, meanwhile, serves to enhance communication, understanding and creative problem-solving as a neutral third party to help find a mutually agreeable resolution. According to Cole, a mediator does not make decisions or recommendations about the outcome.
For couples who work hard, Cole will work hard with them. For couples who slack off she'll light a fire under you to see if she can get it moving.
She understands, meanwhile, that therapy is hard work.
"It's looking at yourself and for a lot of people that's hard to do," she said, adding, ""When you divorce somebody or choose to divorce somebody, you grieve over that. It's like a death the death of a marriage. There is a lot of grief involved."
Faith integration
When people walk through the door and are Christian, they know who to turn to.
As a counselor, Cole feels like she has God on her side. She prays for her clients even if they're not Christians, constantly seeking inspiration.
Paraphrasing the Bible, God says that if you ask for wisdom, God will give it to you.
"And he does it's amazing," Cole said.
From a faith point-of-view, Cole points to research that shows that people of faith will recuperate better and feel like they have more resources. She helps facilitate bringing those resources to the table with prospective clientele so that the healing process can be facilitated after, she attests, "having lived through marriage problems and being divorced and going through the hell of all that."
"Divorce is hell, it really truly is hell," Cole said. "It's really helped me to get that perspective."
Notwithstanding that opinion, Cole brings her own personal experience to the table. She tried to make her marriage successful for more than two decades.
She said she understands couples who are Christian but "want out."
"I ask them, 'have you prayed about this?; have you asked God about this?; have you done everything you possible can to fix it?' If they say, 'yes, I've worked with them for awhile and can't get change to happen,' then I agree 100 percent that there is a way out."
"I have personally lived it," Cole said.
On the edge
Cole said she understands that when people walk through the door to a counselor, oftentimes they're at "the most tender moment of their lives." They don't really come to counseling until it's almost too late "on the edge," as she described.
She's sensitive to that.
"Being able to support them, listen to them and pray for them makes a huge difference," she said.
It doesn't take a Christian to relate to Cole, nonetheless. In fact, the multiculturalism of Paso Robles is something she appreciates, in addition to striving for more bilingual integration.
"If they're not Christians, it's not something I'm going to push on them, but if they're openly Christian, then we have a way to talk. I understand where they're coming from and their issues. I know the Bible and the scriptures, so it's a depth of understanding," Cole said.
Being on the edge, on the contrary, is something she wholeheartedly discourages. She recommends never letting it get to that point.
She prefers, "encouraging people don't wait until the last minute, don't wait until she's walking out the door. If you feel like something is not right, you're not communicating like you used to, you're not happy like you used to be, then you have to save your marriage quick."
For the complete article see the 04-13-2012 issue.