With reports ablaze that Pep Guardiola wants more passion and focus from certain players in the team, the board have hired international superstar chef Gordon Ramsay as Bayern’s new psychology coach.

Ramsay’s task will be to keep players in tiptoe mental shape to avoid nervousness and complacency.

You might know Gordon Ramsay as the most prolific curser in international television and a ridiculously successful chef with a whopping fourteen Michelin Stars. In all likelihood, you probably have had nightmares that involved him yelling at you after watching one of his numerous television programmes.

He has even been rumoured to be thinking about going into the GPS business.

Whether it is yelling at sous chefs, cursing stubborn restauranteurs into coherence or starring six-minute cooking face-offs with late night TV hosts in the States, his antics are prone to reinforce whatever opinion everyone and their mother have of him.

Mr. Ramsay is indeed a man to be loved or hated. A polariser by excellence, much like Pep Guardiola himself. Commentaries have not been in short supply as to the validity, both ethical and professional, of his methods. This is especially true of his Kitchen Nightmares programme. In it, Ramsay finds a struggling restaurant and attempts to put it back on its feet, employing shock-therapy methods to give owners the proverbial (sometimes literal) slap in the face.

As it turns out, Bayern’s board have taken notice of Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares hoopla, thinking that it would translate well into the world of elite club football. Bayern Central has been able to get the inside story pertaining to the origin of die Roten‘s interest in hiring a Scottish chef to head the first team’s psychological coaching operation.

Cristina Serra’s suggestion

Thanks to sources close to the matter, we have been able to learn that it was none other than Pep Guardiola’s wife, Cristina Serra, who lit the candle on Ramsay’s appointing during last year’s Bayern Oktoberfest get-together. Having had more than her fair share of beer, and being mildly intoxicated, Serra engaged in conversation with Martina Rummenigge. Both women discovered that their admiration for Ramsay’s programmes was mutual.

The generalised presence of alcohol in the room turned the conversation into a hypothetical discussion about a scenario where Ramsay was a football coach and not a cook. It is a little-known fact that during his youth in Scotland, Ramsay had a brief stint in the development ranks of famed SPFL side Rangers. At fourteen years old, he was even chosen to feature in a testimonial match alongside some of the club’s first-team players. Ramsay knows his football.

Although it is unclear if this was during a state of inebriation or not, Karl-Heinz Rummenigge immediately sought media people all over Europe to try to get Ramsay on the phone. The idea had struck the right tune. After finally getting someone at Bild to give him the BBC’s number, Rummenigge got ahold of Ramsay.

This first contact did not go well. Unsurprisingly, a rather slew and long list of expletives was directed at our good Karl-Heinz, who Ramsay mistook for a disgraced Dortmund chef whose restaurant he was unable to save in the second season of Kitchen Nightmares. Apparently, this man set up shop after being fired by Borussia Dortmund, having been blamed for Ilkay Gündoğan’s pronounced weight gain.

After Müller-Wohlfahrt

Things started to catch Ramsay’s attention after the Dr. Müller-Wohlfahrt affaire last season. What looked like Guardiola ironically applauding the medical staff during a game struck the Scotsman as something he would do himself, and he was quoted in Schottische Chef-Zeitschrift as saying “I bet he even called that old git a bloody disgrace. That Catalonian [redacted] may not have any hair in his head, but he sure does have character [redacted] me.”

(Disclaimer: Bayern Central does not in any way condone referring to Dr. Müller-Wohlfahrt as “an old git”)

Ramsay’s personal inquiry on the situation eventually landed him a phone call with Cristina Serra, who directed a tirade towards him that was filled with more expletives than he uses every morning whilst commuting in London. Sources tell us that Ms. Serra felt humiliated that a man she suggested personally to help Bayern would insult one of its most important figureheads. Despite not regretting what he felt was a “normal reaction to a common nuisance” (Gordon Ramsay does not feel regret), Ramsay agreed to meet with Josep Guardiola to offer some advice, much like he does in his programme.

A few days into the secret Ramsay-Guardiola summit, and Bayern surprised the chef with an offer. Much to their own surprise, Ramsay accepted, claiming that he saw it coming.

The announcement

In a strange departure from tradition, both for the club and for himself, it was Guardiola himself who took to the press room and announced the incorporation of Ramsay into the coaching staff. The Catalan coach outlined his and Ramsay’s plan to overhaul the psychological approach to managing the team.

Ramsay thanked Bayern for the trust deposited in him, as well as insulting the reporters for the photographic flashes assaulting his wrinkled Scottish complexion.

The Football Collective network has asked us not to reproduce Ramsay’s full statement, as they fear it will obliterate the entire network’s supply of [redacted]‘s.

As ever, Bayern Central will strive to keep you misinformed of Bayern’s latest news.

Post editor: Michel