End-of-life talks tough, but necessary

Q. I am in my late 70s. Although I have no life-threatening illnesses, I want to talk to my children about my end-of-life wishes. When they were here over the holidays, they absolutely refused to talk about it. They will be back in February, and I am determined to have the conversation. Please give me some advice on how to approach 40-year-olds who won’t have a discussion.

A. According to research by the Conversation Project on End-of-Life care, 9 out of 10 Americans want to discuss end-of-life issues, but only three in 10 have actually had the conversation. These talks are difficult for many people because adult children are often frightened about the prospect of parents dying and do not want to face the reality that it will happen someday.

Many people think it is the older people who do not want to talk about death or elder care issues when in reality it is often the adult children. As people grow older, studies show that they become less afraid of dying and more willing to prepare for the inevitable.

Remind your children that end-of-life decisions should be left to the individual, not the children, spouse or hospital. Most medical professionals have horror stories of people being kept alive with no hope of recovery because no prior arrangements were made and no prior choices were expressed.

It is expedient for everyone to have a will, a living will and someone who will serve as power of attorney for both financial and health care concerns. These are realistic steps that everyone should take so that family members are not blindly responsible for settling an estate and making end-of-life decisions for their loved ones.

According to the website ElderCarelinks, if your children absolutely refuse to engage in the conversation, go to an estate attorney. Make the proper arrangements and give your children information about where to find the documents. However, your living will should be kept with your medical records in your doctor’s office. Each child should have a copy, so that they will know what to do when the time comes. If you are going to the hospital, even for a minor procedure, it is a good idea to take a copy of your living will for their files.

Even if you have a limited income or a small estate, financial decisions are equally important to arrange. Most problems with families arise when the estate is small and few prior arrangements have been made.

The procedure for locating this information is easier than you may think. You can find state-specific forms for a living will and powers of attorney at the website compassionandchoices.org. There are also many simple will forms that you can obtain online. Remember when you sign your will, you must have two witnesses who will not inherit from you and who are easy to locate should there be problems. If you have a large estate or other complications, you should consult an estate lawyer. It will be worth your time and money.

To begin the conversation with your children, you may wish to download “Let’s Talk” a document sponsored by the Administration on Aging. It will help you start on the conversation about health, legal, financial and end-of-life issues.

Nancy Ryburn holds a doctorate degree in psychology from Yeshiva University in New York City. She teaches psychology at Southeast Arkansas College and maintains a private practice.

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