"No child ever recovers from not having cured his parents." (Adam Phillips, Ph.D.)

Psychology has not always been kind to mothers.

In the 1950s powerful, wealthy men took to the couches of psychoanalysts to bemoan how their mothers had ruined their lives.

In the 1960s, we were told that "refrigerator mothers" caused a child to become autistic due to a lack of motherly love.

Psychology has made many women feel inadequate and uncertain about their child-rearing beliefs and skills.

So, here is the truth.

All individuals in a close relationship have ambivalent emotions — opposing positive and negative feelings.

And no relationship is closer than that between mother and child. Why, that child spent nine months sharing and using your body! Or you may have waited nine months worrying and praying that your adoption request will be finally approved!

Mothers, at times you will have feelings of anger, hatred (there, I said it) and rejection toward your child.

These feelings are just as ‘normal' as the positive, loving feelings you feel toward your child. If you cannot accept this, you may experience guilt, self-doubt and self-blame, along with increased feelings of anxiety and sadness.

Maternal ambivalence is real and is present in all of a child's many developmental stages. Strong opposing feelings (and fears) of separation from … and engulfment by … your child will start with nursing and up to your adolescent's choice of a date for the senior prom.

Those mothers, who work due to economic realities or rightful choice, may experience guilt over their decisions to be part of the workforce.

The new mother's inability to recognize and accept her negative feelings toward her child will make her keep these feeling inside of her, leading to guilt and depression.

We rarely think of what opposite might happen … that the child will adapt to the parent's negative feelings, even when unspoken. Like Dr. Phillips's statement in the first sentence of this column, this does not bode well for the future emotional development of the child.

Will he or she be an emotional "container" for these negative feelings? Or will the child always be an alert sentry when we are about to become upset … and learn to soothe us at the expense of the child's inner emotional life?

Ambivalent feelings toward our children are not the problem.

The real problem is the denial of our ambivalence.

Ambivalence confronts us with the immature, emotionally infantile aspects of our selves. This exposes us, as one authority put it, to "fury, rage, pettiness, [and] jealousy."

I have found over the last four decades of patient care that guilt can be a two-edged sword. For most of us, guilt can only be held inside for so long before it turns to anger.

Being aware of your ambivalent feelings toward your child will involve experiencing emotions that you would rather not feel. The price of self-understanding is not always relief … at least, not in the short run.

I will end this column, as I began with another quote from Dr. Adam Phillips, "Guilt isn't necessarily a good clue as to what one values, it is only a clue about what (or whom) one fears."

Next week's column will explore ambivalence and the heroin user.

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Philip Kronk, M.S., Ph.D. is a child and adult clinical psychologist and a child and adult clinical neuropsychologist. Dr. Kronk has a doctorate in Clinical Psychology and a postdoctoral degree in Clinical Psychopharmacology. He writes a weekly, Friday online column for the Knoxville News Sentinel's website, knoxnews.com. Dr. Kronk can be reached at (865) 330-3633.