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It's awkward
enough talking about death with other adults. It's even harder when you
have to explain to impressionable children that a loved one is gone forever. Here
are a few tips for approaching this inevitable topic in the best way possible.

Base Your Discussion on the Child and Situation

First off, there's no one-size-fits-all way to talk to
children about death. Every child is different, and you have to take into
consideration how old, sensitive, and mature the child is, not to mention his
or her relationship with the deceased. A five-year-old might be fine with a
simple explanation that so-and-so is gone, while a ten-year-old or teenager
would understand the permanence of that and feel it much more acutely. You know
your kid best and should use that understanding to help guide what you say.

For example, behavioral therapist Janet Lehman, says to look at
your child's temperament:

If your young child is introverted, observational and
reflective, let them know of the death in simple and clear terms. Don't expect
that they will want to or be willing to share their feelings. Instead offer
other ways for them to express their feelings via a art project- a card or
picture to remember the loved one, writing a poem or song (older introspective
child), or even something like planting a tree in memory of the loved one.

For a more extroverted child, set aside ample time to
discuss the questions, comments, and concerns about the loss. These kids may
respond to other forms of expression like running a race in memory of the
person, volunteering for a related cause to honor their memory, etc.

It's usually best to let the child lead, most of the child
psychology experts I talked to said, while you support them in a way that's
appropriate for their age and development. David R. Castro-Blanco, an associate
professor in the department of clinical psychology at the Adler School of Professional
Psychology says:

The "rule of thumb" regarding discussing death
with children, is to talk about it in a way that matches the child's
developmental level. In other words, don't give the child more than s/he can
handle, in the name of being "honest" or "accurate".

As a parent, discussing one's own mortality, it's probably
better, especially with younger children, to reassure them you won't leave or
"abandon" them, than to be statistically accurate and predict the
odds are low. Children deal in absolutes, and hold tightly to their parents as
an anchor to stability. They need to believe in the availability and
consistency of that anchor.

Another example of basing your discussion on the situation: At
a very young age, my daughter talked a lot about death—mostly saying things
like she never wants to lose me and wondering what would happen to her if she
died. As disturbing as those discussions have been, I've realized that it's
more her natural curiosity (and maybe natural disposition to existentialism) than
serious grief behind those questions, and so have been trying to talk about
them in a reassuring, matter of fact manner (instead of my natural instinct of
screaming "What are you talking about! You're just a toddler, don't think about
death!").

Listen and Ask Questions More Than You Talk

As is usually the case whenever you're talking with someone
about a sensitive situation, it's better to truly
listen and ask questions, rather than assume what the other person is
thinking. This is especially true when we're talking to children about
something as fearful and somewhat abstract as death. Family and marriage therapist Erica Curtis advises:

Sometimes because of our own anxiety discussing the topic we
miss the mark by sharing too much, too little, or the wrong stuff. Before you
start sharing information or answering questions, get a sense of what the child
believes and, for that matter, what the child is actually asking. "What do
*you *think happens what someone dies?" "What would *you *like to
happen?" Questions like these will give you a better sense of your child's
inner world, their thoughts, and what they are trying to figure out.

When one
child asks "but what happen to grandma?" she may be wondering what
happen before she dies, whereas another might be wondering what happened after.
These are very different questions. You can simply ask some clarifying
questions: "what happened to grandma before or after she died?"
Likewise, when an adult hears the question "where did she go?" we often
think about answers such as "heaven" or "she was buried."
However, a child may be remembering her going to hospital.

How much or little to share and explain is probably the
biggest question, but, again, let your child lead the way. Child psychologist
Dr. Susan Lipkins says that one rule of thumb with talking to children about
death is to only answer the question that the child asks—don't give long,
complex explanations, but instead answer the child's questions at the level he
or she is at.

Be Honest, But Avoid Potentially Traumatizing Information

It might be tempting to gloss over a death or give a
different reason for it (particularly if it wasn't a natural death), but Dr. Jenny Yip, a clinical psychologist who
works specifically with children and specializes in anxiety and OCD, recommends
using as much honesty as possible (a good practice whenever you're talking with your children):

If it was a natural death, parents can explain that death is
a part of life, all a part of a natural process, that allows the world to
survive. When speaking of someone who
was very close to the child, it is very important to be clear and honest.
Dishonesty can hurt the child more and often causes confusion for many years
ahead, especially is she hears a different story from other relatives or
friends.

That is, again, depending on how ready the child is for this
information.

It's fine to share how you're feeling, but since kids will
often imitate their parents, be mindful of your reaction around them. Coping
with grief, unfortunately, is a lesson kids have to learn—and do learn from the
adults around them.

Some approaches are better than others, so be careful what
you say as well. Dr. Kristine Kevorkian,
who has a doctoral degree in thatanology (the study of death and dying) and counsels
terminally ill patients and their families, writes:

Please do NOT say that "Grandma Joan went to sleep and
she's in heaven now." A child might be so afraid that he/she might never
go to sleep again. If a loved one has been ill, explain what that means to the
child, not that Grandma Joan was sick and is now going to sleep forever."
Or, "Grandma Joan has cancer and is going to heaven." What is cancer?
Does everyone die from cancer? Give details and throughout the conversation,
ask the child to repeat what's been said in order for the adult to hear if the
child is actually listening and hearing what's being said.

Provide Outlets for Grieving

A year ago, my husband and I had to put down our beloved dog,
whom my daughter had known for all of her seven years of life. Since then she's
been talking about him as if he's a ghost she can see, pet, and talk to. She
writes stories about him, saying he comforts her at school and other times.

As heart-wrenching as this has been for us, the experts I talked to assure me it's healthy grieving.

Arts and crafts, writing, photography, and any other
activity children enjoy can help them honor and remember the loved one who's
died—and also teach them that even if someone has gone, they're still alive in
our minds and hearts.

Watch Out for Unusual Behavior

While there are no hard and fast rules about how anyone grieves, after an extended period
of time with very troubling symptoms, you might want to consult a professional.
Dr. Hani Talebi, a psychologist
in Austin, Texas, points out these issues that could suggest a child (or anyone else, for that matter) is
struggling very much after a death:

1) Sleep problems (difficulty with sleep onset or
maintenance);

2) Externalizing behaviors (aggression toward peers,
oppositional/defiant, emotional dysregulation, etc.);

3) An inability to have fun engaging in activities which
they previously enjoyed;

4) Withdrawal (tearfulness, an unwillingness to communicate
their thoughts/feelings, isolation, etc.);

5) Developmental regression (i.e. acting childish or much
younger than their actual age).

Otherwise, if the kid seems generally him/herself, don't
worry. Just listen. Be there, and be well, and you'll both get through it together.