Why ‘ex-sex’ CAN be a good idea: Sleeping with old lover does lessen …

  • Study at University of Arizona found someone not over divorce will benefit
  • Findings published in Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology
  • Sex expert Tracey Cox agrees that sex with an ex can provide closure
  • Sex toy brand Lovehoney found women more like to long for ex-lover

By
Martha De Lacey


PUBLISHED:

10:42 GMT, 5 August 2013


|

UPDATED:

13:45 GMT, 5 August 2013

We're taught to stay away from the bedrooms of our exes at all costs, and frequently reminded that nothing that goes on in there post-breakup can ever be a good thing for our mental well-being.

But received wisdom of this ilk is being shattered by new findings suggesting that 'ex-sex' can, in some cases, be a good idea.

Divorced partners who have slipped up and fallen back into the marital bed report that sex with an ex can actually lessen the psychological distress caused by the break-up.

Is sex with your ex after divorce ever a good idea?

Sex with a former lover can ease the pain of the split, says new research

Sex with a former lover can ease the pain of the split, says new research conducted at the University of Arizona and published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology

In a recent study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, researchers at the University of Arizona examined a group of 137 recently divorced adults and asked how many had had the occasional post-conjugal visit after their divorce papers had been signed.

Findings found that most participants (82.5 per cent) remained in contact with their ex after the separation, and almost one-fifth (21.9 per cent) had sex.

Whether or not the ex-sex actually helped a partner get over the end of their marriage depended on how 'over' it they already were.

Partners who hadn't accepted the break-up found the intimate encounters actually helped lessen the pain of divorce.

We're always taught that sex with an ex is an emotional minefield, but new research suggests it could actually help partners having difficulty coming to terms with a break-up

We're always taught that sex with an ex is an emotional minefield, but new research suggests it could actually help partners having difficulty coming to terms with a break-up

Meanwhile, partners who had accepted the break-up found sex made no difference at all to how they dealt with it, indicating that 'ex-sex' may not be quite as emotionally detrimental as we had previously thought, and that it can, in fact, have benefits for those who are not-quite over their relationship.

Psychologists believe that break-ups can leave us with attachment needs that go unfulfilled, and that sex with an ex helps to provide some sense of security, and at least partial fulfillment of those needs.

Sex toy firm Lovehoney found that more women than men look back with longing on past relationships and admit to having had better sex with an ex than with their current partner.

The survey of 1,100 adults found that 38 per cent of women said the best sex of their lives was in a previous relationship.

Sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox said this 'grass is greener' syndrome is not new.

Cox said many women benefited from having sex with their ex because it ultimately gave them 'closure' on the relationship.

Tracey Cox, sex expert, said: 'I still think it's dodgy ground if there's a lot of emotion involved - iif a much-loved partner who has left is interested in sex with you it sends of message of hope - and that could be false hope'

Tracey Cox, sex expert, said: 'I still think it's dodgy ground if there's a lot of emotion involved - iif a much-loved partner who has left is interested in sex with you it sends of message of hope - and that could be false hope'

She said: 'Sometimes we need to go back to move forward, and revisiting the sexual side of the relationship can sometimes make us see very clearly that we've idealised the relationship or feel much less pain than we thought. So there's a sense of closure that can be helpful.'

Cox, who has her own range of sex toys with Lovehoney, warned women to wary before jumping into bed with their ex.

She said: 'But I still think it's dodgy ground if there's a lot of emotion involved. If a much-loved partner who has left is interested in sex with you it sends of message of hope - and that could be false hope.

'On their side it's a trip down sexual memory lane, on your side, it's make-up sex with a view of rekindling.

'If you're going to do it, make sure you go into it with a clear understanding of what it means to the other person.'

In the hit movie It's Complicated, Meryl Street and Alec Baldwin star as exes who start sleeping together years after they divorce.

The comments below have not been moderated.



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No chance.

Dealss
,

Manchester,
05/8/2013 14:43

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I would have thought it just starts up the pain again

Jess
,

Hayle,
05/8/2013 14:39

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@David B Brit-expat ----- Sorry but LOL at your comment! I think you need to lie down in a darkened room.

Minnie the Minx
,

UK,
05/8/2013 14:39

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It's wrong on so many levels.

TheHerder
,

HappyLand, United States,
05/8/2013 14:37

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I guess I'll have to get my old blow up doll out of the loft then!

Old Peculiar
,

Leicester, United Kingdom,
05/8/2013 14:36

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Rubbish

Sam
,

UK,
05/8/2013 14:36

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"Sex after settling an argument is furious really exciting...That little element of "I'm going to give it to you good proper" or "i'm gonna give you a heart attack" makes for a really energetic frantic thrash between the sheets or on the kitchen counter...Everyone wins (as long as teh heart attack doesn't actually come true) the euphoria after as you both collapse with heart thrashing sweat glistening is unique...
- Dave B -Brit ex-pat, Uxbridge Canada, 5/8/2013 13:49" Vivid imagination, stay away from the Lads mags, you're far too old for them. Oh and get out more.

Tony M
,

Where the expats are not,
05/8/2013 14:30

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I am 70 and there just isn't enough time left to do that.

Resnam
,

Sandbanks,
05/8/2013 14:27

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worse advise ever!! I have made that stupid mistake as a young adult and would never do it again! it causes twice as much hurt, makes you feel used and dirty afterwards and is not worth it.. I know the artical is saying its only good if you know its over but if 1 person is going back for sex it isnt over for them and the other person is just taking advantage!

cmad116
,

Essex,
05/8/2013 14:26

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Yawn!!!

King Arthur
,

london, United Kingdom,
05/8/2013 14:26

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