The arrival of Valentine’s Day inevitably has us pondering the age-old question: Why do some relationships last while others don’t?

While no one seems for have figured out the formula for lasting love, research suggests that our individual attachment styles may heavily affect the success rate of our romantic relationships. Where does attachment start?

“Attachment theory is a concept that describes how children emotionally bond with the significant caregivers in their lives. It also explains how that style of attachment carries over into their relationships as adults,” says clinical psychologist and SACAP (the South African College of Applied Psychology) educator Carey Bremridge.

Attachment Styles

“Securely attached partners will have less insecurity and enjoy expressing and receiving love with ease,” Bremridge explains. “They are able to trust easily, they believe in true love, and they have the most success in romantic relationships.”

But, while they yearn for love, people with an anxious attachment style are insecure in relationships, and often labelled “needy”, says Bremridge. “You’ll find that they continually demand ‘proof’ or some ‘sign’ of their partner’s love,” she adds.

And because individuals with an avoidant attachment style find it difficult to open up to others, they often prove unsupportive partners. “These people will likely approach Valentine’s Day cynically. Any gift, no matter how genuinely intended, will be received with a lack of emotion and dismissed as meaningless,” she explains.

The attachment styles learnt by both you and your partner during (an often less-than-perfect) childhood could determine the future course of your relationship. However, as Bremridge explains, simply being aware of your “attachment style” as well as that of your partner can be a significant step in the right direction: “Understanding that you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style can help you see how this may be causing problems in your relationship, and, hopefully, take measures to correct these behaviours.”

Find your attachment style.

Take this online quiz, developed by R. Chris Fraley, Professor of Psychology at the University of Illinois, to determine whether you’re secure, anxious or avoidant in your relationships.

If you are interested in learning more about the study of mind and behaviour, take a psychology course at SACAP. The South African College of Applied Psychology offers a wide range of psychology courses, from a Higher Certificate in Counselling and Communication Skills to a professional Bachelor of Psychology Degree.

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