By Randi Martin

More Reports

string(31) "/emedia/wtop/36/3602/360231.jpg"
["alt"]=>
string(18) "SnowplowParent.jpg"
["width"]=>
string(4) "2122"
["height"]=>
string(4) "1415"
["link"]=>
string(0) ""
["filter"]=>
string(0) ""
["caption"]=>
string(0) ""
}
-->

The snowplow parent

WTOP's Randi Martin reports

Download

WASHINGTON -- Tiger moms and helicopter dads, step aside. There's a new
name
for an emerging breed of over-involved parents -- and they're called snowplow
parents.

Child psychologist Amy
Fortney Parks describes snowplow parents as those who
plow any obstacle standing in the way of their child's success. But
experts say this style of parenting causes more harm than good.

Parks says, often times, parents think they are helping their children by
solving their problems.

"But what they don't see is really in the long term,
they are really not allowing their children to make mistakes."

When you fall
down repeatedly and someone is always there to help you, "you never learn to
pick yourself up," she says.

In a recent article on DailyParent.com, Lauren Nichols, an
assistant professor
at the Adler School of Professional Psychology, said that children need both
positive and negative experiences in their lives to build self-esteem.

"By eliminating failure and even minor negative moments, parents are doing
their children a disservice," she said in the article.

Nichols says parents need to step back and let their children grow by letting
them work out their own disagreements. This will give them the
trouble-shooting skills they will need in their adult life.

Assign children age-appropriate household chores and let them complete their
own homework to teach responsibility, Nichols says. If the grades slip, hold
them accountable and brainstorm a game plan to get them back on track.

While Parks acknowledges that parents have the best intentions when pushing
their children to succeed, she says, "The children that we want to be raising
are the kind that can really face their own challenges and obstacles."

Do you know a snowplow parent? Let us know
in
the comments
section of this story, on Twitter or on
the
WTOP Facebook page. Until
then, two local parents discuss snowplow parenting.

---

The following blog is in the form of letters, written by two friends:

Crystal,

By now, I'm sure you have read the countless reviews and articles on author
and high school teacher David McCullough's new book, "You are Not Special, and
Other Encouragements," which criticizes what he calls ‘snowplow parents' for
raising a generation of young adults who are "anxious, dependent, narcissistic
and careerist."

I'm sure you've chuckled at the title, along with every other adult over 40,
and felt a jolt of recognition as he talks about the over-protective molly-
coddling that has gone into raising the current generation of young adults.
McCullough warns, children are becoming "terrified of failure" and are being
turned into "achievement machines" by their parents.

The result of all this competitive parenting, he claims, is that children can
fail to settle into careers and end up dependent on drugs or alcohol, or even
suffer a nervous breakdown, in a bid to live up to their over-achieving
parents' expectations.

Growing up, I always wanted to have helicopter parents -- the kind of mother
that got up to make you breakfast; who called you every day at college to see
how you were doing; and who did your laundry when you came home on breaks
without complaint. To this day, I am envious of a friend whose father would
drop her off at the door of a theater or restaurant before looking for
parking, just so his precious daughter wouldn't get wet in the rain.

My parents were routinely late for every school pick-up and
ballet recital, and were content to let me walk home alone from school down an
isolated country lane in the cold, rain and dark.

Now that I'm a mother and soon-to-be empty nester myself, I'm sure you are
expecting to say my views have changed. But as a matter of fact, they haven't.
Sure, I've read the recent stories about helicopter, and now snowplow, parents
with interest, and while I'm not Type A enough to be either (it requires
an amazing amount of strategic planning, not to mention effort, to raise a
child this way), I do personally believe that one of the most important and
rewarding aspects of parenting is to help make your children's lives easier. I
want my children to feel loved, protected and cared for, and to provide them
wherever possible with the kind of educational and enrichment opportunities
that will enable them hopefully one day to embark upon a rewarding career, and
provide a similar kind of nurturing to their own children, and others, once
they are grown.

Living in the suburbs of Washington D.C., it's easy to come across examples of
parents who go too far when it comes to nurturing -- some would say
controlling -- their children. There's the woman whose 11-year-old daughter
came over for a playdate, and asked me what she should do with the soiled
tissue in her hand after she sneezed. And I know of numerous examples of
wealthy parents who have carefully and systematically tried to build their
teenagers' college resumes by sending them to Beijing to learn Mandarin; to
Oxford to take advanced math; and to summer internships in New York, where the
teenager in question can try their hand at documentary filmmaking without
having to worry about how they are going to pay for rent and food.

I can't help thinking that all these activities do little more than
demonstrate that the parents of the teenager in question are wealthy and well-
connected. Or maybe I'm just jealous.

At the same time, however, I'm impatient with McCullough's criticism of
snowplow parents for doing whatever it takes to help their kids get ahead in
life. As McCullough says himself, "If you do not get into one of the top 30 to
50 colleges, you are in for a very hard time in life -- that's the thinking
driving all this."

In an increasingly interconnected, globalized world, where corporations and
jobs move at lightning speed to wherever taxes and wages are lowest, our
children will need to grow up to be exceptional just to find employment. So
when McCullough exhorts us, as parents of soon-to-be young adults, to "try as
much as possible to give children free rein," and "let them follow their own
passions and curiosities without overweening interference every step of the
way," I feel like asking whether McCullough is aware of his own inconsistency
in advocating a laissez-faire approach to parenting, while at the same time
acknowledging that kids who don't make it into the top 2 percent of colleges
are in for a very hard time in life.

And when he argues that "Sometimes our kids take paths they shouldn't;
sometimes they will make mistakes. That's OK," I feel like responding, "No,
David; No it's not."

- Phoebe

***

Crystal,

As I helped install my second darling child into her dorm room last week, I
listened carefully to the dialogue between her roommate and mother. The mother
was being chastised for forgetting a number of items and was eating humble pie
in spite of her best efforts. The mother is a cheerful and competent woman who
proudly displayed accessories her daughter could share (or not) with her
roommates. It was quickly apparent she wanted our approval for her kindness
and competence. I thanked her generously and genuinely, but realized so much
of what she did was about her and not her daughter.

My theory about snowplow parents is, really, illustrated by my recent
experience. Their cushioning of every blow and handling of every crisis occurs
because they are perfectionists who fear failure themselves, and have an
unquenchable need to have their children succeed as they have. They are often
the parents who, as workers, lead a team of people and complete all their
subordinates' projects as well as their own. As most of us know, this makes
employees (and children) disgruntled and discontent in the long run. The clear
message is that only they know how to do it right. Not a great message to send
anyone, really, although it is remarkably tempting to always get your own way.

When my own darling remarked on her own forgotten items, I told her to add
them to her list for the relatively nearby Target and we would make one trip
before I left later that day. She grumbled a little but understood it was her
responsibility, not mine, to pack her belongings for college.

I'd like to tell you I carefully cultivated the persona of hands-off
mothering, but the truth is, four children make that much easier. Besides
often feeling overwhelmed by so many little people with so very many needs,
I'm also an only child myself. In combination this means I had no idea what I
was getting into and also highly value "me" time. The result, I think, are
kids who (at least in theory) know how to make a list and execute on it. They
aren't perfect, trust me, and neither am I. I sometimes rush to the rescue
when a forgotten textbook would mean a failing test grade and they sometimes
roar at me when their own negligence results in not succeeding. But, twice so
far at least, they know it's their job to pack for college. Can't be entirely
sure that translates to taking more responsibility in their own lives each
year, but I'm hopeful. I have to be.

Remember, dear Phoebe, your friend's father will inevitably not always be
there to keep her from getting her feet wet. Although a charming tradition to
be sure, I hope she knows how to cope when it inevitably happens. It is,
metaphorically, at least, one of the most important life lessons for all of
us.

- Crystal

Editor's Note: Both bloggers are two local moms who live in the D.C. area;
they write about their adventures on their blog Desperate in D.C. Phoebe Thompson
hails from Mother England, but has happily embraced the U.S. and D.C. in
particular. She is mother to two girls, wife to darling husband, Brad and best
friend to Crystal.

Crystal Walker is a D.C.-based lawyer, wife and mother of four, who arrived
from the glorious Midwest. When she's not busy juggling her work and children,
she enjoys blogging about her family's adventures in the Nation's Capital. Of
course her favorite pastime is gleefully skewering the privileged and powerful
D.C. elites with her BFF, Phoebe Thompson.

Follow @WTOP and @WTOPliving on Twitter and on the WTOP Facebook page.

© 2014 WTOP. All Rights Reserved.