For the May 24 Commencement issue of The Harvard Crimson, an inquisitive student journalist interviewed me about the impact of extremely low rates of admission at elite colleges upon students.

While I enjoyed the opportunity to discuss a topic of interest to many of the students with whom I consult, I was simultaneously struck by the fact that the "real story" for most students applying to college has little to do with rates of admission to particular schools. First and foremost, it lies in the normative adolescent struggle to develop independence from parents, which the high-school-to-college transition invariably signals. Secondly, it hinges on helping students find colleges which are the best "fit" for their talents, interests and temperaments.

The Struggle for Autonomy: A Teen's Job
Deciding where to attend college is the first real "adult" decision for most high school students. In particular, pursuing a residential college experience is a monumental step for both students and their families. While it is obvious that getting along with a roommate and navigating a college campus are major strides in a student's development, it is often overlooked that the very process of applying to college is, in and of itself, a significant transition in the parent-student relationship.

The struggle between competing desires for both independence from and closeness with parents is the hallmark of the teen experience. How parents respond to their teen's ambivalence about their emerging autonomy is important. It can be extremely hard for a parent to have their advice about college rejected by their teen, only to find that similar advice given by a high school counselor or private consultant is appreciatively accepted. Situations like this can serve as "code language" to a parent, as if their student is telling them: "I need you to be my parent right now, and just my parent. Leave the advice-giving to someone else. Just be there non-judgmentally as my sounding board." When properly "decoded" by the parent, this message can diffuse parent-child conflicts and ultimately open up healthy dialogue about realistic college opinions.

Matching Students with "Best Fit" Colleges and the Issue of Cost
Families often prematurely conclude that certain colleges are "out of reach" due to spiraling costs. Unfortunately, dollar for dollar, there are few things more costly to a family than a lack of knowledge about the ways in which particular colleges and universities award both merit-based and need-based financial aid. Knowledge of these processes can empower families, including those with solid incomes and assets, to avoid the mistake of eliminating colleges based on "sticker prices," which often exceed the actual cost of attendance for many admitted students.

For all students, finding a college which is a uniquely best fit for them is the key to an excellent college adjustment, intellectually but also socially and emotionally. Knowledgeable counselors and consultants can do much to help students and families narrow down the seemingly endless options for college. For such professionals, few things are more satisfying than knowing that a truly great "match" has been made between a student's abilities and interests and a college's academic offerings and social milieu. In such cases, rates of transfer to other schools (for reasons of either scholastic or interpersonal discontent) are low compared to the applicant population as a whole. In a twist on a time-worn adage: "An ounce of careful planning and preparation is worth a pound of cure."

Dr. Sandra J. Eller is a College Admissions Consultant and Licensed Psychologist.  All are welcome to attend her June 27-28 presentation "College Admissions: An In-Depth Look," set for 7-8:30 p.m. both days at Brighton Recreation Center, 220 Idlewood Road, Brighton. Fee is $30 family or $15 individual.  To register, call (585) 784-5260 or go to www.LessStressCollege.com