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A painting by Wagdy Habashy
Motherhood is above all about relationships, most particularly about the mother-daughter relationship, which typically starts at a very early age. While women of course grow to love men, their original relationship within the family is with their mother. If daughters don't acknowledge that, they risk closing themselves off from a source of power and fulfillment and a way of understanding themselves.
Rania Ali, the mother of daughter Mehravan, says that sometimes she has difficulty understanding her daughter. "She loves to be spoiled at home, but at school she is shy and quiet," Ali says, suspecting that 10-year-old Mehravan may have a communication problem with her mother.
Ali Suleiman, professor of psychology and psychological guidance at Cairo University, explains the psychological process that girls go through during their path to maturity. "There are three stages of childhood: the early stage, which begins at three, the intermediate stage, from three to nine, and the late stage of childhood from nine to 12 or 13. After that, the teenage years begin," he says.
At age 10, a girl enters a new stage of childhood, and this is accompanied by sudden attention from her mother, possibly leading to increased shyness. "One possible reason is that Egyptian mothers tend to care more about their sons than their daughters, even though they are of the same sex," Suleiman comments.
"Many mothers tend to focus more on the prospects of their son than those of their daughter, though clearly this is unfair and should be avoided." The inconsistency with which a daughter may be treated within the family can make relationships more complicated, he says. "It can make a girl keep secrets from her mother that only her friends know about. In this case, the girl can seem to have two personalities: the first is the one her mother knows at home, while the second is the one her daughter can display when out with friends."
There can even be competition between mothers and daughters, and this can be explained by the tendency of some girls to be closer to their fathers than their mothers, causing some mothers to treat their daughters in a hostile way. They may try to boss their daughters around, for example, or try to separate them from their fathers. They may also magnify their daughter's mistakes, making matters worse.
Mariam Samir, 45, also a homemaker, finds that she sometimes has differences with her daughter, even though she also describes her as being strong and helpful. Samir's daughter Monica, 14, a preparatory school student, describes her mother as "a kind and self-sacrificing person," though Samir complains that her daughter can ask lots of questions that need instant answers, which are sometimes beyond her ability to respond to.
According to Suleiman, "in some cases, the mother is unable to tell the daughter all the information she needs to know, which drives her to ask her friends out of curiosity." By the time a girl is mature she will start to pay greater attention to her appearance, and this can be met by reverse pressure from her parents, who may oblige her to abide by a certain code of dress, like wearing the veil, for example.
Girls are faster in maturing than boys, apparent in their acquisition of language and knowledge in general, and they are also the first to sense that something may be wrong in their relationships with their mothers. Suleiman goes so far as to say that some Egyptian girls may be not only marginalised in the family, but also be almost "imprisoned."
"When a girl finds out that she is the one doing all the housework, for example, unlike her brothers, she may want to rebel. When she discovers that rebellion is futile, she may then surrender and become resigned to her fate." There is even an attitude in some Egyptian families, he says, such that a girl in the house is to be treated like a servant, first to her brothers and then to her husband. "This attitude is damaging and should be stopped," Suleiman says.
There are signs a mother should watch out for in order to gauge her relationship with her daughter, he adds. "When a girl starts wanting things she can't afford, questions should be asked. If she spends a lot of time in front of the mirror, or if she comes home late or leaves home a couple of hours early, or seems to have a lot of personal errands," these can all be signs that her mind is elsewhere.
Positive signs include "if a girl dresses decently, has a regular schedule, speaks sensibly, and is interested in self-development activities, such as reading." Suleiman always advises girls to develop their intellectual skills, as it is essential that girls have the capacity to communicate and imagine.
As for mothers, Suleiman advises them to keep an eye on their daughters but not to the extent of pressuring them. Mothers should teach their daughters about life, and they should help them to avoid the trap of concentrating on appearances. "A woman should be brought up in an atmosphere of self-sufficiency and awareness, and she should be able to freely express her needs," he says.