It's all about "hand," as George Costanza once said.
When couples fight, it's not more affection or better communication they want most, it's power, according to a study in the current issue of Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology.
Researchers at Baylor University in Texas collected responses from more than 1,000 people aged 18 to 81 who had been married anywhere from less than a year to 55 years.
Out of six types of outcomes to an argument or ongoing conflict, participants rated "relinquished power" at the top — their partner giving them more independence, admitting fault, showing respect and being willing to compromise.
"We definitely respond to whether we gain or lose status," lead researcher Prof. Keith Sanford said. "When we feel criticized, we are likely to have underlying concerns about a perceived threat to status, and when that happens, we usually want a partner simply to disengage and back off."
That was followed by showing more of an "investment" in the relationship, stopping adversarial behaviour and communicating more. Affection and an apology were at the bottom of the list.